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Saturday, 06 March 2010

distant memory

you remember halloween? i think i was 16... you were 17... we told your mom we would stay in and hand out candy? i remember clearly telling you that we should go get a pumpkin and carve it because there was no way kids would want to come in and trick-or-treat at such a big scary house.... you told me that they would still come because the light were on... i remember so clearly at around 9pm we were both wondering why nobody was coming and ringing the door bell, when I told you, "its cause we have no pumpkin!" so we decide to pull a heist and steal a jack-o-lantern from another house? haha the excitement of us scoping out a house that we could jack one from... not too close cause then they would recognize it. and then you telling me to be the watch out while you ran and grabbed the pumpkin. carving the other side in your garage so that nobody could tell that we stole their pumpkin, and how the door bell rang non-stop after we put it out...just like yesterday. we were really happy sometimes eh jagiya? bogoshipda.

Monday, 12 March 2007

=(

No matter how hard I try, I just can't stop making these little dumb naive girl mistakes. I KNOW I have zero chance, no matter what anyone says, especially you, then why does it bother me? I keep saying it out loud but it won't go through my mind, I'm trying to convince myself I don't like you... I don't like you, but there's just something about you that draws me to you.. fuck I hate this feeling..

Wednesday, 07 February 2007

Wtf

It's still the same fucking shit, I just re-read my last post, and honestly it's still the same fucking shit!! I'm still working at the same things, doing the same things, nothing is fucking changing. I think I need to make a big change in my life soon. I'm talking huge life altering, cause Vancouver and my life right now just ain't cutting it for me anymore, and everyday goes by and everything just keeps getting worse and worse.. I'm loosing touch with reality, and I'm only seeing the bad things in life, I'm turning into a pessimistic, nothing will go right, and nothing is achievable.. fuck it, only thing that matters is getting that damn piece of paper so I can go off somewhere else.. I'm fucking sick of taking responsibility for other peoples shit, I want to be the irresponsible one for once.. I don't want to be always taking care of people, smoothing things over, fuck it, I just want to have fun.. I hate being the fucking middle person, I hate being this fucking vent bag. Why the fuck do I have to sit here and listen to people go on and on, when it just stresses me out more? Fucking annoying... grow up, learn how to be mature, and get your head outta your damn ass ok.. Grow the fuck up already and get some sense into your head, there are certain things that you have to do cause it's your damn responsiblity, I don't even have anything to do with anything, and I'm the one listening to non-stop bitching.. fuck, I don't want to be unhappy like this, I don't want to be stressed out like this, I really don't want to drink everyday, I don't want to have to drink everyday either.. FUCK YOU PILL YOU FUCKED ME OVER !!!!!!!!!!!! fucking bullshit moodswings, swinging up and down always putting me on a fucking rollercoaster..nobody told me the fucking side effect would be permanment!! fuck this, this is fucking sooo bullshit. these moodswings are really starting to get to me and affect me... Don't want to be like this no more.. Don't want to spend two weeks happy, just to crash and spend two weeks in bed or drunk...There's gotta be a way to get out of it..

Wednesday, 17 January 2007

Something's Just Not Right

Ever get the feeling where something is missing, or something is wrong, but you just can't put your finger on it? I haven't slept yet, my drunk has worn off long time ago, I don't even seem to get drunk anymore, just kinda buzzed, no more of the fun smashed kinda thing. It feels like I'm sucked dry of every emotion. Everything that has been happening lately just kinda seems like it's a blur, I don't feel like I care about anything anymore. I have no goal, no ambition. So what, yeah I get my dogwood dipolma, then what? Go to post-secondary, then what? Get some boring ass job that barely pays the bills? That can't be it to life. There's gotta be more. There's got to be something else out there that makes everything worth it. How can this be happening to me? I'm so young, I don't think I should be having this kind of feeling. But everything feels like I've been there, done that. I'm just looking for lifes next big thing. The next thrill, the next chase.. Could it be possible that I'm done with life in Vancouver? Yeah, sure it's a great place to settle down and live, and it may be fun to party in, but Vancouver life blows for middle class citizens. I can honestly say that everybody has their own story, everybody's life is pretty interesting, why do I feel like mine is so dull? Nothing new is ever happening, I'm stuck in a fucking rut! There is no more meaning to anything, things are too easy to obtain, and if they aren't, I don't give a fuck about them. This depression isn't because of that fact that I'm missing a special someone, or any of that corny bs. I'm actually depressed about my life. I'm not talking emo depression, going to cut my wrist depression, but I have no motivation to leave my house or do anything depression. Aiya... I've dug this big ditch, and I'm lying in it. Everything that has happened in the last year or so, has been nothing but bad decisions. But, at least now I'm starting to smarten up, and I know I gotta get out soon, before I lose my youth and innocence, well, what's left of it. Everyday is the same damn bullshit. School, home, work, sleep, eat, shit. What the hell is wrong with me? I won't believe it, theres got to be more...

I can honestly say that at age 18, I'm fucking bored with life.

Sunday, 31 December 2006

Uhmaaa WTF!

See it goes a lil something like this.. I know it's wrong, I can see FIRST HAND that's it's damn wrong, but I can't help it..Something about ya.. you make me smile, and you drive me crazy in all the good ways, but damn, I can't.. wish the situation was different, but just damn boy, got me tripping..

Paperchasing... making money is my only priority right now, money and school.. futures so uncertain so many things can change so quick.. one minute everybodys a big happy family, and the next, a couple whispers in a couple ears, and it's complete 360.. really just wish I was a little kid again, when everybody thought I was too young to hear this shit.. life was fucking so simple back then.. go to school fuck around and play, fuck growing up becoming mature and gaining responsibilities.. so much is being push on me, and I seriously just want to say fuck it, turn my phone off and run away.. don't want to be living my life anymore, it's seems like it's just lies upon lies from everybody around me.. welcome to shadesville.. population: the world baby, the world.. seems like everywhere I turn, everybody is just looking out for themselves, and their best interests.. why is everybody leaving me? Why are you leaving me? I know I've been a bad sister & aunt, but I'm sorry, I just don't know any better.. you can't expect so much of me.. I'm only 18, I'm still young.. I'm trying my best to handle everything but sometimes too much is too damn much.. and to you fuck you how could you fuck your own friends like that you pathetic bitch, you have til the 10th to make shit right.. I don't need help from other ppl, I don't care you better pay up something.. You only got two things in this world, and you should never break em.. your balls and your word. You fucking shady bitch, 5 years, and you wanna act like that. You know what's funny? I don't even hate you, I just feel sorry for your fucking pathetic ass. I don't need to do shit to you, cause someone else will. I wish the world could see what kinda person you are.. I wish people didn't need to be fake and two faced in this world, but you need it to suceed, a lesson I'm trying damn hard to learn.. Fuck I miss you, theres so much I want to talk about with you... bogoshipda..